DVD Review: Transformers Cybertron
Hasbro, Takara, Paramount Bring Animated Series to DVD
Jul 13, 2008
Getting paid to sit around watching DVDs for fun and profit sounds like a pretty cool gig, right?
Only until one sits through all 1,560 minutes of Transformers Cybertron: The Ultimate Collection. Then it's about as enjoyable as repeatedly shooting oneself with a nail gun.
Transformers was one of the biggest phenomena of the 1980's, spawning a half-hour animated TV show that was a thinly-disguised toy commercial (How could you tell the difference between the ads and the program? The ads had better production values). Transformers-mania peaked in 1986, with the release of the cunningly-titled Transformers: The Movie. Despite making only $5.7 million in theatres, the flick developed a cult audience and has been re-released twice on DVD.
What's Transformers Cybertron About?
Here's the synopsis, courtesy of the back of the box (my comments are in italics):
"Cybertron, the Transformers' home planet, is on the brink of destruction as an ominous Black Hole looms. In order to save their world, the Transformers embark upon an intergalactic scavenger hunt across the universe (that last phrase was brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department), searching for the lost Cyber Planet Keys.
"The evil Decepticons, villains unlike anything you have ever seen before (unless you've watched Transformers before), are in a race against the heroic Autobots to recover these lost Cyber Planet Keys - keys that have the power to unlock the Cybertron planet itself creating the greatest Transformer the universe has ever seen (and only $99.99 at these and other fine retailers)! The battle will span the galaxy in a race to wield the all powerful Planet Keys and to save their home world of Cybertron from certain DOOM (Emphasis theirs. Unfortunately)."
What's Wrong With Transformers Cybertron?
Forget that this series' raison d'etre is only to sell a line of toys. It soon becomes clear that the producers paid their writers and artists approximately 25¢ per episode, and they certainly got their money's worth. The animation is an uncomfortable mix of cel animation and CGI, which means the various robots don't look like they're inhabiting the same scenes as their human counterparts. Even worse are scenes where parts of the robots are rendered in cel animation to make it look like the humans and robots are together, but it changes the look of the robots.
From this and Dragonlance: Dragons of Autumn Twilight, it's clear that cel and CGI shouldn't mix, unless the animators really know what they're doing.
As for the script? Here's some sample dialogue, where the villain tries to persuade an ancient Transformer to hand over a map.
MEGATRON: "Give me the map, Vector Prime, so that I may stop the evil Autobots!"
VECTOR PRIME: "Hmm . . . I'm not sure . . ."
MEGATRON: (smirks)
VECTOR PRIME: ". . . Oh, okay." (hands over the map)
MEGATRON: "You old fool! With this map I shall . . . (devolves into typical villain monologuing)
It only gets worse, kids. Let's not even go near the scene where a human teenager spontaneously develops the skills and technology to fix an ailing alien robot.
The Final Analysis
Hard-core Transformers fans will probably run out and purchase Transformers Cybertron The Ultimate Collection whether or not they read this review. Anyone else should avoid this DVD box set like the plague. It's not "so bad it's good." It's not even "so bad it's unintentionally funny." It's just bad. Period.
Transformers Cybertron The Ultimate Collection gets a 1/10 and that's being generous.
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